quacky: —–+—+—–

Mitch Hedberg Found Dead.

Originally, this seemed like a badly timed, and inappropriate April Fool’s day joke. I guess it could still turn out that way. But in the last 2 hours more and more “legitimate” outlets have picked up the news.

How do you really know when something you first hear on the internet is true? When it turns up on CNN, or the AP? When more than 27 references on news.google.com? When you hear it on the TV or the radio? When somebody who doesn’t look at internet all day long tells you?

I’m going to read all the Mitch Quotes and laugh until I cry. Hopefully I can still buy some Cinnamon Roll Incense for my sweetie, to burn and think nice things about Mitch.

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. Perhaps I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

This has become how we mourn celebrity deaths now: somebody msgs you they heard such and such; you start the search; you read the boards; you paste the links; you tally up the obits and disclaimers; you refresh CNN searches until it comes up; you paste those links. Eventually, after a couple hours, things tip, and you have to accept that your computer has loaded a certain number of “valid” sources, and the death of someone you dearly admire becomes real, and then it becomes a soul-crushingly sad fact: Mitch Hedburg - Wikipedia.

I am only here today to share two photos from the world wide internet that I found. They are both funny and a little dirty. But totally safe for work. How did I find them? One of them I found by accident, using a cool thingy called the Flikr related tag browser. It has to do with Flikr, a project I was familiar with at the beginning, but I don’t really take that many pictures so it wasn’t really all that and more for me. It’s a cool project. Way cool. But, I don’t have anything really to add.

The other picture, I got linked to from a friend. I don’t know how long it will be accessible. But I’ll watch out for it to go away, and I’ll have it saved somewhere. It’s a funny picture in a way, but it also demonstrates that newborn human babies cannot be trusted with newborn dog babies. They are stupid and mean. The humans I mean. I mean humans are mean.

Read Chuck Palahniuk’s book Lullaby and you’ll se exactly what I mean. Meanie.

I downloaded all of these mostly naughty Thundercats Outtakes from Claws and Paws dot Com which is a guy’s website.

I’m putting them in my big folder of music, so every once in a while, someone will probably hear me snort out loud right after some boring indie band song ends when Lion-O goes “What the fuck is a sammo flange?”

The guy has some more info about, erm, furry, and so I’ll just leave it at that.

Google Search: bacon fried

Oh it looks so weird when you type it several times.
Fried bacon fried fried bacon bacon fried bacon fried.

I’m just a little bit proud that I got a #1 google search result. That’s all.

Now get outta here and make me a goddamn sandwich.

I’ve been a faithful reader of The Sneeze for holy-crap-I-don’t-even-want-to-try-and-figure-out-how-long now. Lots of favorites I could try and dredge up for linking, etc etc etc. I love the guy, Steve. I want to be like him when I grow up.
Wait. . .

All fawning aside, the entry from yesterday made me chuckle heartily, and then realize, I had to link it, because it, you know, fits. So, now you should go read Sex and candy. See!?

Two things are best in there:

• the line: “Tonight I’m gonna give my girlfriend the Fun Dip!”
• and, how now that one sex and candy song by whoever-the-hell-they-were is stuck in my head instead of that god damn Spice Girls song I got from reading the Uncyclopedia earlier

That’s the prize today. Been at this for a little less than 30 minutes today. Found something very cool already. Crazy internet!

How it sometimes works:
1. Open statcounter
2. Notice new interesting hits coming from google
3. Do the google query to see it
4. Notice other interesting things in that context
5. Follow up in new tabs
6. Order things and/or del.icio.us them

Okay. Today’s big new keyword seems to be ‘moist’ … not such a big deal, since it’s one of the categories. But there are lots of new hits coming from uk google from a search on ‘moist.’ That is great.

The interesting part is just to go ahead and do the google search for moist. Lots of interesting internetty things are put up about ‘moist.’ Modern Moist Towelette Collecting is good on the first page. Some pages about the band moist. Naughty cakes. And then on the third page, a novel called Moist.

This is where the serendipitousnesses begin.

Always looking for new books to read, I click through the amazon link, to read some reviews and just see what kind of book it might be. Strong points 1) Moist: A Novel opens with the line: “THIS IS SO fuckin’ cool, man…” 2) “pink pigtails” is listed as a Statistically Improbable Phrase inside the book. [… SO not enough time to even espalain amazon SIPs which I never even heard of til just now …]. It just sounds like a hella cool book. The guy even went to school in Olympia it sounds like from one of the amazon reviewers.

The thing is, it’s like I’ve found something entirely new (to me) here. But something related to something that I already know I like: Chuck Palahniuk. Through the Listmania! list Cherry Bleeds Literary Love a whole bunch of other books, and writers, Chuck P. among them, that are NEW and sound pretty damn interesting. Not to mention there’s a literary magazine, Cherry Bleeds with even MORE junk to read!!!

P.S. I highly recommend, along with following this internet story that’s taken about256 times longer to write about than to actually perform, you should illustrate the journey with a couple GIS clicks: pink pigtails and cherry bleeds. Only the first one is dirty, but it gets you thinking about things nevertheless.
And yes I know this is a whore-song for amazon ultimately but I didn’t mean it to be, that’s just how things turned out sometimes. At least this isn’t about sex and food, well besides the sexy cakes, which are about both I guess…

quacky
v. to sell sex.
“I’m telling you, Sabrina totally wanted to quacky!”

The Infinite Teen Slang Dictionary

Try your own nickname or favorite nonsense word and let me know what YOUR teen slang definition is.

via del.icio.us/tag/teen

Sorry: really, it’s not me. It’s just the way things come out: Food, and sex.

I got a case of SausageMania on the way to Porkopolis.

… shit shit shit

still about food. but it’s so GOOD. It just happens this way. I don’t ask for it.

The really kind of neat thing about Sausage Mania! is that they are a resource you can use to get outfitted all up to be your very own sausage stuffer. I gather you’d start by getting ahold of something like that Dick in the picture, “the Mercedes of crank stuffers — built like a Panzer tank!”

Reminder: I really want to get ahold of some smoked paprika [aka pimenton de la vera] and some Spanish chorizo because those two ingredients both seem to be quite popular in recipes lately, and i can’t really obtain them locally (that I know of). I hesitate to mail order them, but I actually might do that, or else soon just find someplace in The Big City to buy them retail. Like World Merchants.

Hacks of Passion

this actually has happened to two people I know.

This Is Broken - Fish-nuggets packaging

This is Broken is a fairly nifty series of items nominated for things in the real world, i.e. outside of your computer, that have very bad, or sorry user interface design.

I like the irony and subtle nastiness of that one. I’ve also always wondered about antromopborphizisezed cartoon animals and what they eat. Quite often. Especially in old Looney Toons, you quite often get to see Porky, Elmer, Bugs and Daffy “pigging out” on you know, like roasted chickens and those stereotypical cartoon hams. You get what I’m saying here?

P.S. WTF is why so much posting about food for shit’s sake?? I’m not runnign a food page here

Now I surely can’t vouch for this recipe.

I think I’m gonna have to do some more research, for example, about just how one might get a beaver into a state one would refer to as “cut to serving portions.”

Paw’s Chicken Fried Beaver

I’m just having a fun time reading it. It’s adorable. But then, beavers are adorable.

ACK! Now I’m conflicted. You can’t eat BEAVER! Wait… Dammit.

As for the Great Canadian Beaver Eating thing. Who knows? Lots of ham-fisted “dirty” puns in there… Is it something like at Burning Man, only for Canadia? Dang those hippie Canadians and their backwards “humour”.

NB: This entry inspired by follow-ups of my search referrers which led to the fourth page of google results for Fried Chicken-Fried Bacon: There were also some much better search results for “eat beaver” but the wesbites for those were generally just not appropriate for a family internet web log such as this.

I’m reading the book Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman.

He doesn’t seem to have a web page on the internets.

But he knows about them!

Here’s what I feel when I am reading his book: “Wow! Yes! [punch air while reading] I should really type whole chapters of this book onto the computer because I agree with it so whole-heartedly! RAR!”

One chapter, in particular started out really cool. I thought: “Wow! Yes! [punch air some more] I can type that onto the computer and make it more up to date and cool!”

“… according to the affable robots at google.com, there are 6,250 [17,000] sites on the Internet that prominently include the phrase ‘naked housewives.’ There are also 7,110 [937,000] that include the phrase ‘nude housewives,’ which I suppose is technically classier. We have 586 [9,340] that promote ‘housewife whores,’ while a solid 2,600 [6,630]offer a more generic alternative (’housewife sluts’). I could only find 51 [5,050] that contain the phrase ‘my wife is a whore,’ although that number is somewhat offset by the 6 [10] sites specifically promoting that ‘my wife is a fucking whore,’ not to mention the semiofficial domain name housewifewhore.com. Since one can assume all of these sites have — conservatively — 50 whores apiece, that’s a little over 830,00 [50,551,500] domestic sexaholics in English-speaking countries alone, all of which can be located in roughly ninety seconds.”

Now you see, what I’ve done is gone ahead and updated Chuck’s research (published in 2003, but probably written more like 2001) and put the results in linked bracketed numbers of results. Chuck, if you ever do a second edition of SD&C-P, you can use this research. Of course the longer you wait, the less accurate the numbers will be.

It just goes to show, don’t write books with figures describing how pervasive or large the internets are. In fact, don’t write books with anything factual about the internets. They’ll just get old in two weeks. I mean, in the last two months, we’ve all decided to not capitalize internet anymore, and then right after that, to call it “the internets.”

I don’t know what Chuck would think, but I really just like his book so much I want to type more from it.

Where were all these people fifteen years ago? Where there really millions of women in 1986 turning to their husbands and saying, “You know, I would love to have total strangers masturbate to images of me deep-throating a titanium dildo, but there’s simply no medium for that kind of entertainment. I guess we’ll just have to sit here and watch Falcon Crest again.

And hell! That’s only from the chapter on internet porn. There’s the chapter on love, and the interlude about Fonzy, and the whole shit about Guns and Roses tribute band Paradise City. Really, I cannot stress this more: rent this book from your local lie-berry. I cannot type fast enough to get the whole thing here for you to read. Hell, steal Chuck’s first book from the lie-berrry and mail it to me! It’s called Fargo Rock City and I think my friend Paul really loved it.

I have been working on this “test” to become a Moderator of quotes over on bash.org because it would be a really fun and helpful and productive thing to do with all my free time. Um. Right.

Anyway, the thing is, to be a moderator, you have to go through like 500 “quotes” that could be in the submission queue for inclusion in the bash.org QDB. But about 97 percent of them are total crap. I kind of think they’re made up that way.

However, I did run across one — not saying whether i approved or rejected it on the test — that made me laugh but only a handful of people would recognize why:

<diego> What was in her?
<matt> my dick..
<diego> And by her
<diego> I mean matt’s mother
<matt> …
<matt> shit

P.S. If you have kn0w 1d3a WTF i’m taklign abuot, just STFU n00b!

Where I work, the malware is making me hungry, and a little bit ill.
New Bagle Variant Combines Spam, Trojan
Or, Latest Bagle Worm Attacks With Spam, Trojan.

A SPAM™ bagel. That could be good. Here’s a recipe.

Spam Breakfast Bagels

Kind of lame. Toast the bagel, scramble the eggs, fry the spam, make sandwich. The person who sent it in even assures us :

“This is for real. My mom got this from an advertisement for Spam™. And it’s delicious. I don’t care if people do make fun os Spam™.”

Uh right lady. I didn’t need no convincing there.

It’s probably a hell of a lot better than this disaster though:

From time to time it’s fun to write about food. I really like food. I like to make the food, and eat the food. There are plenty of oddball, or outrageous, or heart-stopping “recipes” you can find people writing about on the WWW-internet. Many of them make me go :-O — a combination of “holy balls you’re really going to eat that?”, and “wow, my mouth is open to share it with you!”

But this is the first one to make me kind of laugh delightedly at the recursive madness and brilliance of it all.

Oh, my stars and garters!: Joolie and Eric’s Kitchen Korner presents the most unhealthful snack in the world: Bacon-Fried Chicken-Fried Bacon.

If I was six years old, I would probably repeat those words over and over about three hundred times while doing a little “I’ve watched too much TV” dance. Bacon-Fried Chicken-Fried Bacon. Bacon-Fried Chicken-Fried Bacon. Bacon-Fried Chicken-Fried Bacon. Bacon-Fried Chicken-Fried Bacon.

I really doubt I’ll try making this recipe. But, I’d like to say I had. Maybe I will.

Also, I should plug an excellent beginning of a recipe column my friend Mort has written. Satanosphere Recipe of the Week. Good writing, no pants, excellent grub.

A conversation about hats, some with flaps. Me with the still with the sense of humor of an eleven-year-old. I wanted to, on impulse, find out how much the kind of hat I want to get when I can afford it — a black cashmere watch cap, or you know, the kind sometimes referred to as a longshoreman’s cap — would cost.

Plug a few key words into the amazon.com. Actually quite specific keywords: ‘cashmere watch cap’ and before long, maybe one or two clicks I find the Best Named Hat on the Entire Planet or Maybe Even in the Entire Universe.

Sheared Beaver Bomber

It has generous flaps. It is made of “plush, soft sheared beaver.” It is almost Three Hundred Dollars. It’s not the black cashmere watch cap, but it’s WAY more enterntainiging!